The Worst Housemates of Reddit

Jack Kingsland-Wills
19 . 06 . 18

The internet is a wonderful place, it’s an endless torrent of valuable information being shared instantaneously in real time for almost everyone around the world to harness. However amidst the vast planes of the web are strewn the quirky, strange and bizarre stories of our fellow everyday browser. Amidst these stories are those relating to the notion of moving out of home. This is an amazing time in everyone’s life, a true milestone. Where learning curves meet and intertwine, hopefully, propelling you toward adulthood. To uncover the good, the bad and the ugly behind moving out of home I took to Reddit, aptly coined “The front page of the internet”. I knew if I were to uncover the strangest, grossest and funniest housemate stories, Reddit was to be the source.

 

1. The leaning dishes of Pisa

When crummy housemates come to mind, the first thing that flashes before my eyes is a leaning tower of filthy dishes, collecting filth and grime until finally, someone succumbs to the need to use kitchenware. However, throughout my sifting like search through Reddit, I was yet to find a case of dish washing refusal to end this badly. A tale of a housemate who simply refused to take dirty plates from his room, left to fester and mould, until…

“2 weeks later, he got sick as shit from some kind of mould sickness and puked all over the bathroom. I was out of town for work, and come back to a nasty disgustingly smelling bathroomIt was a 3 day old, non cleaned, puke covered bathroom”

It’s clear that some people simply are not designed to withstand the pressures of being a functioning human being.

2. There are free alternatives to toilet paper, apparently

Moving out of home you come to realise that everyday items actually cost money. Electricity isn’t free, vegetables go out of date and toilet paper does not magically appear on the holder. For the most of us, these are the changes in life that we take into account and adjust to, but for others, the task is just too great. This particular story tells of a woman adamant that she will not be purchasing toilet paper.

 “After weeks of her stealing ours, the other 3 of us started hiding it so she would be forced to buy her own. Instead, she started taking heaps of napkins from restaurants and stealing rolls of our paper towels. One night we all went out to dinner, came home, and the entire basement was flooded because she backed up the toilet with god only knows how much shit that shouldn’t ever be flushed.”

 There is being stubborn, then there is being on the brink of insanity.

 

3. Soul crushing housemates

Not everyone can be lucky enough to say that they are their housemate got along, if not my own personal experiences, Reddit furthered this belief for me. However, the world of Reddit is full of surprises as this tale of housemate attachment would be enough to spook anyone. A young renter had spent some time in a house with a middle aged woman on a month to month basis. After giving their 6-week notice to move out they came home to a “note” left on their door.

“Then I came home to an 8-page, front and back, handwritten manifesto nailed to my door. Oddly, nothing about me … not even a “you were loud sometimes, didn’t clean up, etc”. No, it was about how I was tearing a hole in her soul that could never be repaired. Mind you, I’d lived there for three months.”

I must say the nailing of it to the door brings a new level of creepy to this stalker like behaviour, although I’ve had girlfriends for longer with breakups that were shorter…count your blessings I guess.

 

4. The drama Masterchef dreams of

Trouble in the kitchen is one of the more difficult hurdles to leap over when first leaving the nest, without your mum or dad there to prepare you meals daily, teaching yourself can be a struggle. I have known this struggle, overcooking and undercooking, reading recipes wrong and not knowing what different kitchen utensils were. But I can’t say I struggled as hard as this Redditor’s housemate, as a stranger she has just moved in with takes to the kitchen to prepare himself a meal.

“I hear pots banging and furious chopping of vegetables or something. This goes on for SIX hours. Yelling, chopping, yelling, chopping. Finally he comes out from the kitchen six hours later with a tiny bowl of soup. I thought okay, he must have prepped a week’s worth of meals and stored the rest. But later that night I leave out the back door and there’s this beef soup concoction strewn throughout the lawn. He had dumped pots worth of soup outside. To this day, I’m still not sure what happened with this guy in that kitchen.”

Sure, I was pretty pissed off when my steaks tasted like a leather boot and my pasta was crunchy, but not that pissed off.

 

5. Share house lullabies

In all honesty, I was a bit of a pain of a housemate. With my studies and the job that I was working, early rises were not an issue for me. But they were for my housemates, so I have seen how disgruntled people can get when you mess with their sleep. I was young, having a beer and enjoying music, but in this story, it’s hard to find a blame for the not so angelic singing that was ringing through this house.

“I went downstairs to ask her to wait until morning. But it was dark. No lights at all. Even in her room, it was dark. It’s 4am and she’s singing her heart out in bed. So I knock and the singing stops. She opens the door all confused and she barely has a voice left. The next morning I apologise for surprising her but I couldn’t sleep with all her Backstreet Boys singing. She doesn’t understand what I’m talking about but it suddenly occurred to me that she was singing in her sleep, every night.”

 You may be able to sleepwalk the walk, sleep-talk the talk but can you sleep-sing the right lyrics?

6. Food wars

Arguments and disagreements with housemates is a very common occurrence, I’ve had them, you’ve had them and they’re unavoidable but usually amendable. But in this circumstance of weeks upon weeks of food theft, vengeance is a dish best served refrigerated.

“These girls would literally scoff down all my food and bitch if they thought anyone was touching their food. So I started buying really fattening food, doughnuts, etc. I was trying to teach them self-restraint, but these bitches would go through these boxes within two days. So I kept buying doughnuts. And then one day they started complaining about how they couldn’t fit their jeans, success. I also put laxatives in my peanut butter”

 That’ll teach them to put your money where their mouth it.

 

7. Late night bathtub bizaareness

Of all of the bizarre stories I crossed paths with on Reddit, both from this expedition to my many others, this is up there with one of the strangest. We all get sad, when we get sad sometimes we drink, and that’ll make us a little delusional. But I can happily say I’ve never been this sad, drunk, delusional or all of the above.

“Came home late from work one night and my roommate was crying in the bathtub drinking Malibu coconut out of the bottle, dressed in men’s swim trunks I had never seen before, with Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” playing in the background. Looked to the left and realized she had stapled cheese slices to the wall.”

 I think this may be the dictionary definition for inconsolable.

So there you have it. These are the seven most bizarre, hilarious and bewildering stories that I could uncover from the mysterious world of Reddit.